i have a sudden emo-ness in me this morning..maybe it's because of all the stress lately..all the late nite practices..projects due...exams coming... i am mentally n physically drained....n so it provokes the emo-ness in me...
n i started thinking about my family...
i am so far away from home...sometimes i wonder....did i make the wrong choice coming here??..of course without a doubt the answer is no...nobody likes to admit their mistakes..self consoling themselves...but on second thought....the answer is really..i dont know...maybe yes...maybe not...
as the saying always goes..."this is the right thing for your future"..."make your family proud"...what is there to be proud of??watching all their hard earned cash go to waste as i am doing nothing spectacular here...nothing to make them proud...but to them...i am always their pride and joy..."just try your best..we expect nothing from u".."dont worry about money..just make sure u have enough to spend"....that was what mummy said...i felt helpless...what can i do to ever repay them??earning enough money to pay them?cherish them?
but what is the point of earning so much but be far away from home?and how to love and cherish them when im far away??
"are u going to continue working n staying here?"...the question that everyone constantly ask me..."i dont know"..."depends"....always the uncertainty....but deep inside...i really want to just go home...at least now i am certain..."i want to go home and be with my family"....
the thought of them getting older and older....and me not being able to be around them...what if one day...something happens...or old age caught up to them..with me not around...savouring the very last moment..me being too caught up with my selfish me....the thought of them leaving is just too overwhelming n unbearable...if i can just stop the clock...and be a child forever..where life is so much more simpler..with daddy carrying me around...with mummy waking me up every morning to prepare for school...where there are no such things as expectations and stress...
hailing from a conservative chinese family plagued with superstitions...i remembered dad once said to me.."the day u were born, i was waiting outside the hospital room and your aunt asked me to eat some sort of fruit so that i will get a son"......which provokes me to said.."then?sure u eat the fruit la right coz u only want a son right???"
which he then countered.."thats what u think???to daddy...no matter boy or girl..i will also love both...".....tht is how much he loves me...to them..i am an achiever..but to me..i am nothing but a mere loser...
but the fact is....everything has changed...i do not want to live my life regretting everything i did...i have done a lot of unpleasant things in the past...without them knowing...i wish i could remedy those defects...
i havent prayed in a long time...like how i used to do it every single day...i prayed for the welfare of my family..to me..nothing is more important than my family...i pray that my grandma will stay healthy and not succumb to old age...i pray that my parents will rest well every nite thinking that i am in safe hands...i pray that my siblings are in good health and study hard...i pray that one day i will be able to make them proud....n i pray that i will have the strength to start praying again...
